Random observation of self!

1. I am very scared of a lot of things in life. Quite the contrary to my bold / tough image
2. I am quite an irritating bag of bones. I end up irritating myself the most.
3. I hate crying. I especially hate crying in front of others.
4. I hate letting others know what I am thinking. Including my moods or opinions.
5. I have a little too many secrets with myself. Not dark ones or anything. But little little ones. Things that I would never tell anyone.
6. Not a single person in this world knows everything about me. Not one.
7. I am very insecure. About me, about my relationships, about everything around me.
8. I worry a lot. For absolutely no reason.
9. I am quite an un-emotional idiot. I think I came without that fitting. Manufacturing defect must be.
10. Actually that is not quite correct. I get hurt very easily. No one will know it but me though.
11. I have been wanting to live alone all my life. I don need people around me. I need my “ME” time.
12. Actually that is quite wrong. I need people around me.
13. I’m confused. All the time. I really don’t know what it is that I want. Or don’t want.
14. I’m scared of doctors. Have a feeling they are all out to cause pain and kill people. I would probably bear the pain than see a doctor.
15. I am very stubborn. Even if i know I shouldn't be doing somethin and if i make up my mind, I still end up doing it.
16. I hate hurting others. It sometimes makes me lie just to ensure they aren't hurt.
17. I am scared of laughing too much or just being too happy. I think it might retaliate and make me sad.
18. I hate my smile.
19. I love my friends and would do absolutely anything for them.
20. I decided to write this when i was at my all time high and then realised I really cannot boast much with these traits. So I am gonna decide to change a bit... Shall let you know how that goes very soon...

Ooops!! I did it again....

When I was a kid I knew I wanted to be an architect. I was one of those kids who had grown up seeing my dad bring home blue prints and images of huge huge houses, which looked quite fancy. So I decided that I’ll be one of those cool architects who’ll build a huge house and settle down. This was at a time when I dint know much. I grew up to figure out that I needed money to be able to BUY those kinda houses and that just cause I build them they’ll not become mine! Damn! Imagine shattering a small kid’s dreams. So I decided to read so much that anyone I’m working for will have to pay me a lot. That required me to do some actual STUDYING as such, and having seen the results of my report card I refused to dream further. So I decided to choose any field where I would not have to exactly study as such but still get paid pots and pots of money. [Yes, I had not given up my dream of that beautiful house] So I set my sights on some extra moolah earning no work doing jobs. Airline industry seemed a pretty easy option... That is till i heard bout wat exactly those pretty airhostess get upto... (Or so i heard) and that option also went down the drain... Whoosh.... My next option was to probably become famous somehow. Luckily i got into media line and also landed a job which involved a lot of talking (which came naturally) and yellin and gossiping etc... Sounded good... But i had to land in bad waters within 2 years... And i also realised that being famous has nothin to do with the amount of money one makes. Cos finally at the end of the day you still get paid only peanuts!! So i decided to not concentrate on the mansion in my mind and take up some work that i would like. Seems not too long an order one would think. Well mistaken... Cos i DO NOT know what i like. Its been almost 5 years since i started working and i never cease to bitch bout my co workers and my work!!! And somehow i feel this might continue.....

There was this one friend of mine who keeps remarking sayin i am never gonna find peace!!! Somehow i vaguely believe him.

The point of this blog is very simple... I still have not been able to decide what i want from my life.. And i want to know if I am the only one this way???!?